| Newest weird e-mail... ENJOY!!!!
Hi Liz! :)
Hope all is well!
Well, not really sure what to say--but ok, I just wanted to say a bit more-and really apologize on how "stupid" I prob. have sounded through my last few emails-I mean I over-annalyze way too much-lol, but I prob. did sound pathetic and "childish" to some degree-or just plain "weird"--lol--if I may, I would like to share some of my "story"--I certainly don't tell you for pitty--I've just lived in this hell for way TOO long, and I'm finally ready to try and get well, move on--see what life is REALLY all about and my ultimate dream is to help people someday, maybe even like "Patch Adams" did--so cool! :)
Anyways, well---I just turned 25 last Dec.---for the last 15 yrs. of that---I have been battling anorexia / bulimia :P --so I feel I haven't even started "living" yet --I grew up, and still struggle with very poor self-esteem, perfectionist, people pleaser--always so worried what people are "thinking or saying" about me--co-dependent, "all or nothing--black or white thinking...*sigh*---the list is endless!! It is SO frustrating because I feel I know this so "inside and out"--and so "educated" on the subject--been in & out of hospitals--can be the greatest "advice" giver, and try to help everyone else-yet--I still struggle and can't seem to "break" this yet!! :( eeeeeeerrrrrrrrr, but I'm so desperately trying...
I mentioned before...I even moved back home--I really hit "bottom" in the last year--especially around last Nov.--in Dec. I lost my job due to this hell--physically--I'm a mess!! mentally, spiritually--all of it--I'm SO exhausted---I just so want to be "happy, healthy, and free"---yet without the GUILT--to feel that I should be alive and have a purpose--it's a terrible feeling--I love everything--the "world"--God, animals, my family, people, --ect., yet I am my worst enemy--I despise myself----yet I have to be honest, I am SO tired of feeling like that...but "old habits die hard".....sometimes I feel like a flippen 2 yr. old--having to reteach myself EVERYTHING---what to eat, how to eat, am I hungry/full?, the whole digestive system is screwed (bathroom :P ) what to wear, I don't sleep right, isonmia bad, I hurt/cramp, have mood swings--depression--LOL, it's so NOT funny---but I'm not listing these again--for pitty, I just so want to share the "story" and help people somehow--and not only with the eating disorder--but anyway I can--deep down, I really am full of energy--love giving/making gifts, love to have a great time--laugh, go out, be goofey, "a little kid inside"--which I felt a bit dumb, if somehow you thought my last email sounded like a little kid---part of the eating disorder refuses to "grow up"--and wants to stay that dumb little 8 yr. old--not wanting to be a "woman" or have responsibility--but honestly--that's so the opposite of the "real me"--I'm just having such a hard time "rescueing" myself...
LOL---well, I'm not sure what you are thinking...but that's a major problem of mine..always so worried in saying/doing, ect. the right thing...feeling intimidated by the "world"--ect.--the list is endless....but on a more positive note, I think that's why I got a bit "wacky" or weird...LOL, I was just excited to "talk" to someone...even on the "net"---I feel SO lonely, and going crazy...my body is still messed up--but my Mom is threatening me to get a job or get out... :( but that's my own fault... but I do have some major prob./issues w/ my mother...and she's all "pissed" I spent the rest of my money on Megan-I can't help it-she means the world to me, and just wanted this "basket" to be really cool... anyways...and the whole "car" thing---after I lost my job in Dec.--I lost my car in Feb.-- I was leasing it...my lease was up....*sigh*...LOL, sorry...just getting more out...
But when I read your "me" page--I was just so "touched" and inspired--I'm like "wake up Lissa!!!!" lol--you have dreams/goals too!! I think it's so awesome what you want to do --great luck in to all of it...and whatever you decide-I just know you will be very successful--"I'm prayin for ya kid".... ;) LOL--ok, now that was way corny...but oh well, it's ok--he he
Well, sunshine...I know you prob. didn't want to hear, or had no idea you would be "bombarded" by my "sob story" email today...LOL, but part of my "worried brain"---and perfectionism--just had to explain and apologize if I sounded really "wacko" or stupid--but all in all--- I do thank you INFINATELY for all your time, help, effort, "ear," and --well, just everything--and for letting me "vent" a bit...LOL--- hope you have a Fab-U-Lous day & Great weekend!! Be safe young lady!! ;) he he--messin' with ya!!
Take care, God Bless, & always-Keep Smilen! ;)
Alissa |
